You cant judge the life I lead, because you don't live it.

So I am home now, at least temporarily. I cant even put words together without crying. The fact that I am a complete mess is no surprise, I have no idea how I kept it together on the flights home (I mean I didn't, I was a mess) but not as bad as I am now. I took a shower until the water went cold today. I just sat down in the shower and then laid on the floor snot covering my face. It hit me, that she is GONE, I will NEVER see her again. At the age of 20 I have lost the most important person in my life. My best friend, my shopping companion, my advice giver, my doctor appointment taker, my hand to hold, my "wow you two look so alike", my mom, my everything. She wont get to see my pictures of europe, she wont get to hear my crazy stories, she wont get to have my first legal drink with me, she wont be here when I graduate college, she wont see at my first job, she wont see me fall in love, she wont see me get married, she wont see me buy my first house, she wont see my children, she wont be there for any of the big things that are going to happen in my life.